driving to tutor some of my favourite maths students on monday afternoon, i pulled out of the car-park after picking up my take-away chai. i had to wait to turn right onto pacific highway at a set of red lights and in front of a pedestrian crossing.
a little girl and her mother pushing a pram approached the road. the little girl can't have been more than six. she was sulking. her bottom lip was down-turned and her shoulders slumped. they stopped at the crossing to wait for the red man to turn green, and the mother tapped the little girl's shoulder to make sure the little girl didn't cross the road without her. at this point she was seemingly unaware of her daughter's pout, and so, the little girl turned to her mother, just enough to make her mood apparent.
i'm not sure what the little girl was upset about. it was windy and she didn't have a jumper on, which would have been a practical reason to pout. but her mother's response made me think otherwise.
the mother simply began to laugh.
the little girl obviously did not enjoy this and stamped her tiny, angry foot on the pavement. her mother chuckled again and gently placed her hand on her little girl's shoulder. another angry foot stamp followed and the little girl shrugged her mother's touch from her shoulder. at this point, i half-expected the mother to have had enough and to begin pointing her finger and scolding her offspring.
but, with a smile on her face, the mother crouched down and with what would have been her chiding finger, instead tickled the little girl's side. a grin broke out on her daughter's face for a split second. the little girl turned her face away to hide her toothy joy from her mother's view, using all her concentration to quickly return her face to its former grumpy state. a second tickle later though, and the little girl's grumpiness could not help but turn to glee. she turned to her mother, cheekily stuck her tongue out and turning to stand by the pram, snuck her little hand into her mother's.
the mother laughed again. the red man turned green. and they crossed the road. probably to the cafe where the mother had a babycino planned for her little miss.
the whole encounter lasted about a minute, but it was like watching the last six months of my life play out in simple motion. God has been so patient with my grumpiness and fussing and i've often been at a loss as to how to approach Him after having treated him like the stubborn little girl stamping her foot.
i guess it's been a bit of an unsettling six months. none of the plans i've made have really stuck and none of the ways in which i've tried to tackle the things that have come up have really worked, at all. i've learnt a lot about tricking myself into trust, while really being burdened by anxiety. but the Lord has been kind and tapped my shoulder and tickled my side and i'm finally starting to see that my prayers have hardly been left unanswered.
i finish my masters degree in ten days and yesterday i realised in telling a friend how i was that it
had been four and a half years since i'd been in a position where i had
no people or places really tying me down and opportunities to seek and
decisions to make. it was simultaneously scary and exciting.
and then, today He walked me across the pedestrian crossing and i had no idea where i was going until He sat me down in the cafe and placed in front of me the large, hot, have-here teapot of earl grey with the side of banana bread i've been waiting for despite the fact that i'd forgotten i'd even asked for it.
and i am so thankful that i am loved by a sweetly kind Father who, even after all my tantrums, allows me to slip my small, small, small hand into His and walk by Him as he chuckles.
protect, trust, hope, persevere
it is a tough thing to love properly a person you know you love deeply and dearly.
it is easy to gush rosewater words. but what's to stop them swiftly getting left behind as time goes on? at best our phrases can be a fleeting evocation of sincere sentiment. at worst, they can be the false lull of security in an affection which is here today and gone tomorrow.
it is much more difficult to patiently bear a beloved's blunders, to kindly dress their wounds, to do away with all the little things that shake us and cause us to covet and puff ourselves up in their presence, to respect their whole person rather than a single dimension, to stow away personal desire and satisfaction for their sake, to not just keep frustration to yourself but to work through it prayerfully and humbly and without pointing fingers, and to be consistent and constant in freely granting amnesty.
a love that is all those things cannot be shaken. but sometimes, often even, a proper love that is all those things is silent.
and not saying a word is hard because you can't be certain anyone will ever hear even though you are loving at the top of your lungs.
it is easy to gush rosewater words. but what's to stop them swiftly getting left behind as time goes on? at best our phrases can be a fleeting evocation of sincere sentiment. at worst, they can be the false lull of security in an affection which is here today and gone tomorrow.
it is much more difficult to patiently bear a beloved's blunders, to kindly dress their wounds, to do away with all the little things that shake us and cause us to covet and puff ourselves up in their presence, to respect their whole person rather than a single dimension, to stow away personal desire and satisfaction for their sake, to not just keep frustration to yourself but to work through it prayerfully and humbly and without pointing fingers, and to be consistent and constant in freely granting amnesty.
a love that is all those things cannot be shaken. but sometimes, often even, a proper love that is all those things is silent.
and not saying a word is hard because you can't be certain anyone will ever hear even though you are loving at the top of your lungs.
cable tv
there's this frustration that kind of sits on my soul.
i use the word soul for want of a better one.
maybe spirit would be better but i'm not sure if that gets complicated theologically.
although soul is probably problematic on that front anyway. the concept of a soul is socratic (maybe, i think?) and i'm not sure of the commensurability of socratic philosophy and biblical reality.
but, this frustration.
it's certainly not a unique one. in fact, i'd be surprised if it weren't universal amongst christians.
regardless, it's very there.
and it's the fruit of a tension between mental ascension and emotional tangibility.
that whole notion that you can understand something perfectly logically in your head but feel something quite to the contrary, in that pit in your stomach. or that cage in your chest. or that lightness in your step.
it's that frustration when fact and feeling don't quite match up.
i watch a lot of grand designs (the original english series because kevin mcloud is the best guy) and in a lot of episodes a similar thing happens. whoever is building the house will have all these master plans about what their dream home will be like. and they will go about putting together the physical framework of their home, and contracting this, that and the other person to carve and smelt and build and mould all the other bits that need to be added. they will be chugging along most happily. their staircase with hand-carved gargoyles will go in, followed by the glass wall in the bathroom that shifts shades from clear to cloudy at the flick of a switch. the custom-made, slate roof is fitted and the reclaimed timber from the boatyard becomes the floor. after a six-week delay, the specially insulated windows from sweden FINALLY arrive. they are slowly lowered into the frame of the house by a crane that costs an arm and a leg an hour to hire because of the special suctions cups necessary to lift the weight of the floor-to-ceiling, solid glass panels. they slot into position, the final piece in the infrastructure of a potential architectural masterpiece. and the home-owner's heart sinks as they realise the windows are 3mm too small along every edge.
what sits on my soul stems from that window that doesn't quite fit. and while dealing with it may not be as simple as ordering some new glass from a nordic country, i know i've been given a new heart. it will certainly take a little longer than six weeks to ship in to that new heart what ought to fit but it's only a matter of time before the powerful spirit of the Lord delivers it.
i use the word soul for want of a better one.
maybe spirit would be better but i'm not sure if that gets complicated theologically.
although soul is probably problematic on that front anyway. the concept of a soul is socratic (maybe, i think?) and i'm not sure of the commensurability of socratic philosophy and biblical reality.
but, this frustration.
it's certainly not a unique one. in fact, i'd be surprised if it weren't universal amongst christians.
regardless, it's very there.
and it's the fruit of a tension between mental ascension and emotional tangibility.
that whole notion that you can understand something perfectly logically in your head but feel something quite to the contrary, in that pit in your stomach. or that cage in your chest. or that lightness in your step.
it's that frustration when fact and feeling don't quite match up.
i watch a lot of grand designs (the original english series because kevin mcloud is the best guy) and in a lot of episodes a similar thing happens. whoever is building the house will have all these master plans about what their dream home will be like. and they will go about putting together the physical framework of their home, and contracting this, that and the other person to carve and smelt and build and mould all the other bits that need to be added. they will be chugging along most happily. their staircase with hand-carved gargoyles will go in, followed by the glass wall in the bathroom that shifts shades from clear to cloudy at the flick of a switch. the custom-made, slate roof is fitted and the reclaimed timber from the boatyard becomes the floor. after a six-week delay, the specially insulated windows from sweden FINALLY arrive. they are slowly lowered into the frame of the house by a crane that costs an arm and a leg an hour to hire because of the special suctions cups necessary to lift the weight of the floor-to-ceiling, solid glass panels. they slot into position, the final piece in the infrastructure of a potential architectural masterpiece. and the home-owner's heart sinks as they realise the windows are 3mm too small along every edge.
what sits on my soul stems from that window that doesn't quite fit. and while dealing with it may not be as simple as ordering some new glass from a nordic country, i know i've been given a new heart. it will certainly take a little longer than six weeks to ship in to that new heart what ought to fit but it's only a matter of time before the powerful spirit of the Lord delivers it.
from first to last
i had this moment on tuesday's late afternoon preparing bible study for
that night. it was in the rush and tiredness of four hours sleep and
friends having a baby and looking after a little girl who had just
become a big sister and praising God that he had brought a new little
boy into the world safely and soundly.
i was delirious and knew i needed (so much) help. and He taught me!
once again, in His gracious consistency, He helped me to learn something about his consistency through time and space and people and places.
we are studying romans chapters one to five, and we were looking at the second half of chapter one. i was a bit afraid and apprehensive about how the study would go. we are spending the next three weeks looking at judgement and wrath and i struggle with the heaviness of those things. i struggle to not just be sad about them and for my response to them to not stem from fear rather than a holistic appreciation of all of the tensions of the gospel.
but in reading and praying through that passage i came to a small realisation which has helped me to appreciate the congruity of the wrath of God with His kindnesses and mercies, not just for the jews but also for the gentiles, from the beginning of time. the nature of general revelation and its consequences in romans one reflect that God’s grace is shown through general revelation as a means to reveal sin in the hearts of the gentiles in a way that is similar to the grace God shows the israelites through the covenant law as a means to reveal sin.
and, i mean, general revelation and the law are obviously different. but it's not like God just ignored the rest of humanity.
i forget that they ignored Him.
it's been easy for me to subtly shift the blame for the sinfulness of humanity's hearts, for the ignorance of my unbelieving friends and family, to God. to make it out like they haven't had any other choice. but they have.
and rather than being frustrated by the limitedness of His general revelation, i should stop being so lazy and realise the unlimitedness of the power of the gospel of Christ to save.
i had forgotten that i carry that unlimited power around with me in my handbag everyday and sleep with it sitting on my bedside table.
i was delirious and knew i needed (so much) help. and He taught me!
once again, in His gracious consistency, He helped me to learn something about his consistency through time and space and people and places.
we are studying romans chapters one to five, and we were looking at the second half of chapter one. i was a bit afraid and apprehensive about how the study would go. we are spending the next three weeks looking at judgement and wrath and i struggle with the heaviness of those things. i struggle to not just be sad about them and for my response to them to not stem from fear rather than a holistic appreciation of all of the tensions of the gospel.
but in reading and praying through that passage i came to a small realisation which has helped me to appreciate the congruity of the wrath of God with His kindnesses and mercies, not just for the jews but also for the gentiles, from the beginning of time. the nature of general revelation and its consequences in romans one reflect that God’s grace is shown through general revelation as a means to reveal sin in the hearts of the gentiles in a way that is similar to the grace God shows the israelites through the covenant law as a means to reveal sin.
and, i mean, general revelation and the law are obviously different. but it's not like God just ignored the rest of humanity.
i forget that they ignored Him.
it's been easy for me to subtly shift the blame for the sinfulness of humanity's hearts, for the ignorance of my unbelieving friends and family, to God. to make it out like they haven't had any other choice. but they have.
and rather than being frustrated by the limitedness of His general revelation, i should stop being so lazy and realise the unlimitedness of the power of the gospel of Christ to save.
i had forgotten that i carry that unlimited power around with me in my handbag everyday and sleep with it sitting on my bedside table.
foolishness
it has only just dawned on me that at the heart of every epistemology over which the grace of God does not reign supreme is sin. i probably should have realised this sooner because it makes sense of why for all my ontological arguments for christian living and jesus as lord, there is resistance to the gospel. it totally makes sense that someone's ontological opposition to christ would not stem from their misunderstanding of the ontological reality of christ but rather from epistemological misgivings over which the Spirit has not yet lit His torch. i think this is the first time my understanding of political science and my understanding of peoples' faith and idols and insecurities and desires has ever really intersected and concluded in something other than complete frustration.
i'm glad it only took five years of university study to get me here. i'm such a quick learner!
but here i am nonetheless and thankful that i understand 1 corinthians 1 better because of my undergraduate degree. perhaps it wasn't a waste after all.
i'm glad it only took five years of university study to get me here. i'm such a quick learner!
but here i am nonetheless and thankful that i understand 1 corinthians 1 better because of my undergraduate degree. perhaps it wasn't a waste after all.
duro-tuss is not enough
i feel like samson with all my hair gone and, now, the flu. it's been thirty-six hours since i've been anywhere but the five rooms of our apartment. and with a head so full i can hardly stand, it's the easiest and hardest thing to do to just feel sorry for myself.
easy, because i feel wretched.
hard, because all i can do is lie around waiting to be looked after when my default operating system is usually self-sufficiency.
and so last night, at about 9pm, i had a kind of crisis of being when no one was home, my head was full of feathers but weighed a tonne and all i wanted was something cooked for dinner.
i have never grown accustomed to being physically incapable. the worst illness i've suffered was the chicken pox and i've never broken any bones. although no one would call me a super fit a person, i've generally maintained good health for as long as i can remember. God has been super kind that way. and emotional volatility has been so much my burden that i've never given much thought to physical affectations. they've never been debilitating enough.
it was bizarre, then, for the first time, to be put in a situation where i could literally do not very much at all. i'm used to crying out, when i'm crying and my heart is heavy. i'm used to praying pleading prayers for all that i feel. but it was altogether different, lying under my bed sheet on the couch, to cry out for physical relief. i like how God teaches us things even when we hate it at the time because it verges on unbearable. i didn't know how much i'd missed for so long about need and provision and generosity and kindness and thankfulness. and i know now how bad i am at asking for help or to be looked after. i always thought it was a virtue to be an island unto God, but that's not how His people work, at all.
i've rarely felt more pathetic than at 10pm last night, being delivered take-away thai chicken stir-fry in a plastic bag by my friend's boyfriend. the exchange at my front door was quick. i hadn't bathed in two days and all i'd done since i'd woken that morning was watch nine hours of brideshead revisited and drunk guava juice so i hadn't wanted it to last long. i think if it had though, i should still have been glad for it. even the after knowledge that he and his housemates had made it a group expedition to pick up my dinner and drop it off, surprisingly, didn't bother me much. normally, a houseful of boys in my stairwell bringing me dinner would have sent me off on some prescriptive feminist rant.
but besides rarely having felt so pathetic, i'd also rarely felt more thankful. so it makes sense.
easy, because i feel wretched.
hard, because all i can do is lie around waiting to be looked after when my default operating system is usually self-sufficiency.
and so last night, at about 9pm, i had a kind of crisis of being when no one was home, my head was full of feathers but weighed a tonne and all i wanted was something cooked for dinner.
i have never grown accustomed to being physically incapable. the worst illness i've suffered was the chicken pox and i've never broken any bones. although no one would call me a super fit a person, i've generally maintained good health for as long as i can remember. God has been super kind that way. and emotional volatility has been so much my burden that i've never given much thought to physical affectations. they've never been debilitating enough.
it was bizarre, then, for the first time, to be put in a situation where i could literally do not very much at all. i'm used to crying out, when i'm crying and my heart is heavy. i'm used to praying pleading prayers for all that i feel. but it was altogether different, lying under my bed sheet on the couch, to cry out for physical relief. i like how God teaches us things even when we hate it at the time because it verges on unbearable. i didn't know how much i'd missed for so long about need and provision and generosity and kindness and thankfulness. and i know now how bad i am at asking for help or to be looked after. i always thought it was a virtue to be an island unto God, but that's not how His people work, at all.
i've rarely felt more pathetic than at 10pm last night, being delivered take-away thai chicken stir-fry in a plastic bag by my friend's boyfriend. the exchange at my front door was quick. i hadn't bathed in two days and all i'd done since i'd woken that morning was watch nine hours of brideshead revisited and drunk guava juice so i hadn't wanted it to last long. i think if it had though, i should still have been glad for it. even the after knowledge that he and his housemates had made it a group expedition to pick up my dinner and drop it off, surprisingly, didn't bother me much. normally, a houseful of boys in my stairwell bringing me dinner would have sent me off on some prescriptive feminist rant.
but besides rarely having felt so pathetic, i'd also rarely felt more thankful. so it makes sense.
i am a slave to righteousness
daily, let me tiptoe patiently to the edge where Your love meets my sin and run my fingers forever along the sweet and sharp crux that shows that i've been blood-bought.
i would like to change,
to be different,
to be better.
not for the sake of worthiness,
but because finally, i've been made able and i can't not.
i would like to change,
to be different,
to be better.
not for the sake of worthiness,
but because finally, i've been made able and i can't not.
ten thousand reasons for my heart to find
it's four days into the new year and i'm not sure how i feel.
it's all too much and too many things all at once.
but it all errs on the better side of good.
a friend who had been away for six months who came home two weeks ago asked me after church on sunday what had happened in the past six months.
i said 'not much'.
but thinking on it, a lot had.
and so i wrote a list of obvious things.
i moved out of home and gained a sort of second family.
more than a handful of people i know got married
even more got engaged.
and i was a bridesmaid three times in six months.
my friend's baby turned one.
i spent new year's eve and christmas day at the emergency ward of two different hospitals.
i started a new job and finished it.
i started a new job again.
i began an entirely new degree.
and realised i picked the right one because i actually enjoyed studying for the first time in a long time.
my sister moved to america.
i visited san francisco for ten days.
my friend who is like a sister went away on mission to europe for six months.
i said good bye to sixteen girls i've seen twice a week for the past three years.
i spent hours at a time talking to people i'd never met before.
and i spent weeks not talking to some people i'd known for years.
i learnt better that how you feel doesn't necessarily predicate how you act.
i was fearless.
i let dead dogs lie.
and God answered more of my prayers and worked more powerfully than i could ever have asked, hoped or imagined.
it's not a 'not much' list, really.
and i'm not sure if i'm any more like mary than martha than i used to be (like i wanted to be at the beginning of last year).
but i know i certainly have less of an aversion to change than i did.
and i know that by God's grace that will only be the case more and more.
and sitting there in church on the first day of the year, looking back and peering forward, i'd like to think i said 'not much' because of who the Lord is; robed in majesty, armed with strength, from all eternity
it's all too much and too many things all at once.
but it all errs on the better side of good.
a friend who had been away for six months who came home two weeks ago asked me after church on sunday what had happened in the past six months.
i said 'not much'.
but thinking on it, a lot had.
and so i wrote a list of obvious things.
i moved out of home and gained a sort of second family.
more than a handful of people i know got married
even more got engaged.
and i was a bridesmaid three times in six months.
my friend's baby turned one.
i spent new year's eve and christmas day at the emergency ward of two different hospitals.
i started a new job and finished it.
i started a new job again.
i began an entirely new degree.
and realised i picked the right one because i actually enjoyed studying for the first time in a long time.
my sister moved to america.
i visited san francisco for ten days.
my friend who is like a sister went away on mission to europe for six months.
i said good bye to sixteen girls i've seen twice a week for the past three years.
i spent hours at a time talking to people i'd never met before.
and i spent weeks not talking to some people i'd known for years.
i learnt better that how you feel doesn't necessarily predicate how you act.
i was fearless.
i let dead dogs lie.
and God answered more of my prayers and worked more powerfully than i could ever have asked, hoped or imagined.
it's not a 'not much' list, really.
and i'm not sure if i'm any more like mary than martha than i used to be (like i wanted to be at the beginning of last year).
but i know i certainly have less of an aversion to change than i did.
and i know that by God's grace that will only be the case more and more.
and sitting there in church on the first day of the year, looking back and peering forward, i'd like to think i said 'not much' because of who the Lord is; robed in majesty, armed with strength, from all eternity
and there will be a highway
when i say God is faithful, i know it, really, under my skin and in the pit of my stomach and in the wells of my eyes.
but sometimes i forget. often, actually.
and at times i get frustrated because i don't feel like He is.
this week though, i've felt it.
because a prayer i've been praying for the past four years has been answered more obviously and sooner than i would ever have thought.
and He said 'yes!'.
(it was a resounding yes.)
and i've been sad and tired and busy and defeated and stressed and disheartened and angry about other things at points in time in the past seventy two hours.
but He said 'yes!'
and i still say 'amen' each night before i go to sleep because i know He is faithful.
but the past three days i've felt it and i feel it and i'll feel it for a bit more i think.
but sometimes i forget. often, actually.
and at times i get frustrated because i don't feel like He is.
this week though, i've felt it.
because a prayer i've been praying for the past four years has been answered more obviously and sooner than i would ever have thought.
and He said 'yes!'.
(it was a resounding yes.)
and i've been sad and tired and busy and defeated and stressed and disheartened and angry about other things at points in time in the past seventy two hours.
but He said 'yes!'
and i still say 'amen' each night before i go to sleep because i know He is faithful.
but the past three days i've felt it and i feel it and i'll feel it for a bit more i think.
dear brothers and sisters
i'm not sure when we started to separate duty from love
or obedience from joy,
but i'm afraid that it has happened and we haven't even realised.
i'm not sure if we've forgotten that none of those are mutually exclusive terms.
or that sometimes love is made complete when we don't shy away from duty.
or that sometimes joy is most joyful when we're doing what we ought to be.
are you ever afraid because you know that you don't really know what persecution is?
i know i am.
i know i wouldn't know what it was if it came and hit me in the face.
which is ironic when you think about the lives of some of our siblings.
we pray prayers of thanks for living in a country where we can exalt and worship jesus free of consequence and punishment.
but what's the point when we waste time entranced by that sparkling rainbow of comfort,
and start living like it's our prerogative to not be busy ever or find things difficult seasonally?
and i am so guilty of being transfixed.
expensive is the ugliest colour
and i wear it all the time.
(and it has finally started to hurt me, which i'm glad for. thank you, holy spirit.)
the colours are pretty and the spectrum can't help but be pleasing to the eye.
but maybe we'd be better off otherwise?
i am very thankful for all of jesus' words towards the end of the book of luke and that he never lies and that he always tells the truth and that i can trust whatever he says and that he did not keep things from us that we need to know and that in all things he has set us an example.
or obedience from joy,
but i'm afraid that it has happened and we haven't even realised.
i'm not sure if we've forgotten that none of those are mutually exclusive terms.
or that sometimes love is made complete when we don't shy away from duty.
or that sometimes joy is most joyful when we're doing what we ought to be.
are you ever afraid because you know that you don't really know what persecution is?
i know i am.
i know i wouldn't know what it was if it came and hit me in the face.
which is ironic when you think about the lives of some of our siblings.
we pray prayers of thanks for living in a country where we can exalt and worship jesus free of consequence and punishment.
but what's the point when we waste time entranced by that sparkling rainbow of comfort,
and start living like it's our prerogative to not be busy ever or find things difficult seasonally?
and i am so guilty of being transfixed.
expensive is the ugliest colour
and i wear it all the time.
(and it has finally started to hurt me, which i'm glad for. thank you, holy spirit.)
the colours are pretty and the spectrum can't help but be pleasing to the eye.
but maybe we'd be better off otherwise?
i am very thankful for all of jesus' words towards the end of the book of luke and that he never lies and that he always tells the truth and that i can trust whatever he says and that he did not keep things from us that we need to know and that in all things he has set us an example.
like everybody should feel this way, but no one does
'and i had this epiphany in the shower the other day - that love is not just a feeling, it's a choice!'
and she said it, my housemate, with such a sense of satisfaction it made me glad to know that she had that feeling of pieces falling into place. there is nothing like clarity achieved in the bathroom to help you settle into being a profound philosopher.
i forget that we all realise different things at different points in time.
two years ago, when lots of my friends started to get married, i freaked out because i felt young and was young (and still am young) and marriage is kind of scary and it's hard to know how to be a good support to someone when you are afraid for them.
and i wrote things to help. and i read things that helped.
and donald miller made sense of the incongruity of falling in love.
'I will give you this, my love, and I will not bargain or barter any longer. I will love you, as sure as He has loved me. I will discover what I can discover and though you remain a mystery, save God’s own knowledge, what I disclose of you I will keep in the warmest chamber of my heart, the very chamber where God has stowed Himself in me. And I will do this to my death, and to death it may bring me.
I will love like God, because of God, mighted by the power of God. I will stop expecting your love, demanding your love, trading for your love, gaming for your love.
I will simply love.
I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before I am ended at this altar of dying and dying again.
God risked Himself on me. I will risk myself on you. And together, we will learn to love, and perhaps then, and only then, understand this gravity that drew Him, unto us.'
and she said it, my housemate, with such a sense of satisfaction it made me glad to know that she had that feeling of pieces falling into place. there is nothing like clarity achieved in the bathroom to help you settle into being a profound philosopher.
i forget that we all realise different things at different points in time.
two years ago, when lots of my friends started to get married, i freaked out because i felt young and was young (and still am young) and marriage is kind of scary and it's hard to know how to be a good support to someone when you are afraid for them.
and i wrote things to help. and i read things that helped.
and donald miller made sense of the incongruity of falling in love.
'I will give you this, my love, and I will not bargain or barter any longer. I will love you, as sure as He has loved me. I will discover what I can discover and though you remain a mystery, save God’s own knowledge, what I disclose of you I will keep in the warmest chamber of my heart, the very chamber where God has stowed Himself in me. And I will do this to my death, and to death it may bring me.
I will love like God, because of God, mighted by the power of God. I will stop expecting your love, demanding your love, trading for your love, gaming for your love.
I will simply love.
I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before I am ended at this altar of dying and dying again.
God risked Himself on me. I will risk myself on you. And together, we will learn to love, and perhaps then, and only then, understand this gravity that drew Him, unto us.'
(i am even impatient for sanctification)
the other day i told two people that i am a wretch, really.
it's hard to admit that you are horrible to someone.
their reactions were very different, but both helpful.
and i said i've been praying a lot, saying sorry for not thinking kind thoughts or feeling noble feelings or saying good words and that i don't want a heart that gets all caught up and bitter especially knowing that that's not at all what other people need if i'm going to be able to be of any help to them and love them properly but that that's what i've got. and it's that that makes me cry. i've got a rotten heart and i'm just not a very good person and holiness and godliness are so hard to fight for in myself all the time that it feels like losing out and giving up so much of the time and that some days i just want to give up because it's tiring to be so aware of your own sinfulness.
but i do hold to be true the fact that i have better and lasting possessions than people and places because of jesus.
praise Him.
it's hard to admit that you are horrible to someone.
their reactions were very different, but both helpful.
and i said i've been praying a lot, saying sorry for not thinking kind thoughts or feeling noble feelings or saying good words and that i don't want a heart that gets all caught up and bitter especially knowing that that's not at all what other people need if i'm going to be able to be of any help to them and love them properly but that that's what i've got. and it's that that makes me cry. i've got a rotten heart and i'm just not a very good person and holiness and godliness are so hard to fight for in myself all the time that it feels like losing out and giving up so much of the time and that some days i just want to give up because it's tiring to be so aware of your own sinfulness.
but i do hold to be true the fact that i have better and lasting possessions than people and places because of jesus.
praise Him.
like crazy
i am in san francisco, on the other side of the world from home.
but on the same side as my sister.
the time difference is nineteen hours and i am a wee bit jet lagged, but not overly.
it was bizarre to sit on the plane for the thirteen hours and to be doing things in close proximity to strangers that i'd usually only do around my family, my housemates or my good friends. things like brushing my teeth, sleeping deeply with my mouth gaping open and eating breakfast.
i'd never thought of aeroplanes in that way before.
it was so nice to meet my sister at the arrivals gate.
she had bought me a cinnamon scroll and bad californian coffee but i drank it anyway.
and today we saw seals and walked hills and ate an animal style burger and fries and chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream with peanut butter sauce and hot chocolate fudge and sushi and udon and tempura ice cream and i met all her friends here and they are all very fun and very young at heart.
we all watched a movie that i've been waiting to see for months.
it had a dissatisfying ending and i'm not sure if i found it dissatisfying because it ended like the truth or it ended like a lie.
whichever it was, it reminded me of these words from a song by yves klein blue that i find dissatisfying for one of the same reasons.
so, please don't let me go without you.
my heart never shows without you.
lately, things have been so distant,
and i don't know what i can do to fix it.
why don't you love me like you used to?
why do i worry about the future?
is it, just, that how we manage is not by love but by force of habit?
and if only i could be a man who rips down all your dreams and plans.
and smashes all of your pretty things so the only thing you could see was me.
for what we've done should be a crime.
we should be locked up so we never see the light.
for in the darkness, we could see how worthless all our lives must be.
if our love is like us, you drift apart;
must be something wrong with our hearts.
and be something wrong with all of us
to never care until things are lost.
why don't you love me like you used to?
why do i worry about the future?
i like that i feel things.
i don't like dissatisfaction but i like that i feel it sometimes to know that i never have to be dissatisfied in jesus.
but on the same side as my sister.
the time difference is nineteen hours and i am a wee bit jet lagged, but not overly.
it was bizarre to sit on the plane for the thirteen hours and to be doing things in close proximity to strangers that i'd usually only do around my family, my housemates or my good friends. things like brushing my teeth, sleeping deeply with my mouth gaping open and eating breakfast.
i'd never thought of aeroplanes in that way before.
it was so nice to meet my sister at the arrivals gate.
she had bought me a cinnamon scroll and bad californian coffee but i drank it anyway.
and today we saw seals and walked hills and ate an animal style burger and fries and chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream with peanut butter sauce and hot chocolate fudge and sushi and udon and tempura ice cream and i met all her friends here and they are all very fun and very young at heart.
we all watched a movie that i've been waiting to see for months.
it had a dissatisfying ending and i'm not sure if i found it dissatisfying because it ended like the truth or it ended like a lie.
whichever it was, it reminded me of these words from a song by yves klein blue that i find dissatisfying for one of the same reasons.
so, please don't let me go without you.
my heart never shows without you.
lately, things have been so distant,
and i don't know what i can do to fix it.
why don't you love me like you used to?
why do i worry about the future?
is it, just, that how we manage is not by love but by force of habit?
and if only i could be a man who rips down all your dreams and plans.
and smashes all of your pretty things so the only thing you could see was me.
for what we've done should be a crime.
we should be locked up so we never see the light.
for in the darkness, we could see how worthless all our lives must be.
if our love is like us, you drift apart;
must be something wrong with our hearts.
and be something wrong with all of us
to never care until things are lost.
why don't you love me like you used to?
why do i worry about the future?
i like that i feel things.
i don't like dissatisfaction but i like that i feel it sometimes to know that i never have to be dissatisfied in jesus.
being the pack mule
my sister sent me a list today.
she's in san francisco, however many thousands of kilometres away that is.
and in seven days i get to be her very expensive courier, lugging items including her snowboard and ski jacket and snow boots and yves saint laurent parisien perfume, by special request, across the pacific ocean to her.
and i opened up her message expecting just the list, so that i can spend the next little while collecting all her items for her like a mario kart racer in a 50cc car vying for colourful balloons in wario's stadium.
but tagged on to the bottom of her list were a couple of lines about how much ghiradelli square is going to blow my mind and that she wants to cook me stir-fry for dinner and to meet all her housemates.
and they weren't very many words.
but they were enough to work up my tear ducts for a performance.
because even though four months hasn't seemed like a long time and i've moved out of home so everything's been different anyway and life's so busy that i haven't really had time to think about her being that far away,
i really miss her.
and i am so excited that i get to reply to her message and tell her that my flight touches down in the same city she is living in at 10:41am pacific standard time next monday.
she's in san francisco, however many thousands of kilometres away that is.
and in seven days i get to be her very expensive courier, lugging items including her snowboard and ski jacket and snow boots and yves saint laurent parisien perfume, by special request, across the pacific ocean to her.
and i opened up her message expecting just the list, so that i can spend the next little while collecting all her items for her like a mario kart racer in a 50cc car vying for colourful balloons in wario's stadium.
but tagged on to the bottom of her list were a couple of lines about how much ghiradelli square is going to blow my mind and that she wants to cook me stir-fry for dinner and to meet all her housemates.
and they weren't very many words.
but they were enough to work up my tear ducts for a performance.
because even though four months hasn't seemed like a long time and i've moved out of home so everything's been different anyway and life's so busy that i haven't really had time to think about her being that far away,
i really miss her.
and i am so excited that i get to reply to her message and tell her that my flight touches down in the same city she is living in at 10:41am pacific standard time next monday.
so, i will make every effort
there are days when i'm amazed that You would let any light shine into that dark and cavernous cavity in my chest.
(i'd really like that my heart not ache for all the things that it does but ought not.)
i don't know what i'd do without that always when i can approach Your throne of grace with confidence knowing that i will receive mercy and find grace to help me in my time of need.
(i'd really like that my heart not ache for all the things that it does but ought not.)
i don't know what i'd do without that always when i can approach Your throne of grace with confidence knowing that i will receive mercy and find grace to help me in my time of need.
a note to my mother: leaving a trust for the care of an animal
'the rule of duration requires that a trust for the care of the testator’s animal for the rest of its life with no life in being mentioned, will be invalid if the animal may live for more than twenty-one years and thus has produced a judicial decision that a cat cannot live for more than twenty-one years; indignant cat-lovers and biologists, who may adduce evidence to the contrary, must be patiently told that the subject of their observations is a juristic impossibility.'
my mother used to threaten my sister and i.
she'd say that if we weren't kind to her in every and any which way, that the sum of my parents' assets would get inherited by my dog. if there was any chance that our dog might have lived past twenty-one, she'd have fought against this, tooth and nail.
he died last year, and she was devastated.
the mention of him still gets her eyes leaking in all of half a second.
bless her.
- a law textbook on trusts
my mother used to threaten my sister and i.
she'd say that if we weren't kind to her in every and any which way, that the sum of my parents' assets would get inherited by my dog. if there was any chance that our dog might have lived past twenty-one, she'd have fought against this, tooth and nail.
he died last year, and she was devastated.
the mention of him still gets her eyes leaking in all of half a second.
bless her.
joyful
i have the most wonderful friends.
i am so lucky to have some of the best brothers and sisters.
i am not sure that all of them them realise how thankful i am that they exist.
i don't deserve them, like i don't deserve a lot of things.
but He is abounding in kindness.
i am so lucky to have some of the best brothers and sisters.
i am not sure that all of them them realise how thankful i am that they exist.
i don't deserve them, like i don't deserve a lot of things.
but He is abounding in kindness.
why, yes, sometimes i am psychotic
trying to explain depth of feeling to someone is one of the hardest things to do. trying to explain breadth of feeling to someone who doesn't understand depth of feeling is also really difficult. the two go hand-in-hand so comfortably.
it's hard to explain to someone who doesn't, at first mention, understand the discipline that it takes to not allow an internal emotion to manifest itself in an unreasonable or unnecessary physical action just because it feels like the right thing. it's harder to explain to someone that mostly though it requires no discipline at all, because if every feeling i experienced in a single day manifested itself with particular mannerisms or ways of being, i would literally be eighteen different people in twenty-four hours. that's approximately one personality every forty minutes. that just gets tiring. mostly people laugh when i tell them that, but it's true.
there is a natural dischord between my internal emotive mechanisms and the things i say and do, not because i'm pretending to be someone i'm not, but because i'm working really hard, and trusting very much that it's possible, to be someone better than i already am.
i went through a stage of really disliking that i could feel things, mostly because a lot of what i feel doesn't necessarily match up with reality. it would frustrate me that my emotions weren't responses to actual people, places or things. it seemed nonsensical that a lot of the time my mood was being held captive, by, well, nothing at all really. or a hormonal cycle. which is dumb. because maybe they're an explanation for volatility but they are hardly an excuse for being crazy and doing crazy and saying crazy things.
so, at the beginning of this year i made it my priority to start turning my emotions into prayers.
it sounds dumb. i'll take it on the chin if you're smirking.
but it seemed right to turn my frustrations into prayers.
and so far God has been nothing but patient and kind in teaching me things.
when i read proverbs 4:23, it makes complete sense to me now that we'd be told to 'above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.' more than anything, look after that thing that 'beats in your chest' and makes you feel things, because it matters, it affects your whole life.
i've had this verse of scripture quoted to me when maneuvering situations with something-but-nothing boys, almost as a warning to be distrusting, to keep to myself, to not let go of anything or give any of me away. with a focus on the guarding. and that never sat quite right with me because it seemed to miss the point of chapter four and seeking wisdom and looking to someone else for counsel, someone who knows better, rather than closing yourself up and in and trying to do all the protecting on your own. with a focus on what flows from that; everything.
it's counter intuitive to open yourself up to another's words in order to be guarded.
but that's life with yahweh for you.
(one day i'll start expecting counter intuitive things to be the case. i should be better at it by now. the gospel is so full of them, in a wonderful way.)
and i'd rather have my heart in his hands than anyone else's. and i'd rather be shaped by his words more than my own sentiments.
in understanding that notion of guarding-by-giving-away better i've realised how kind it is that God has given us things both external and internal that are out of our hands and out of our control and out of our foolish, proud, weak dominion. things both without and within that we have to ask him about, plead with him about, know that he is in control about. he doesn't just beset the land we live on with fires and floods but rains and fuels flames at the very core of who we are. whether we are set alight with anguish or drenched through with melancholy, our hearts are often fickle and fleeting in their affections and affectations at any level. we are forced to trust him with all that is intrinsic and seems most naturally to be manufactured on our own. we are forced to give him even our inmost parts and i'm so thankful. everyday he's helping me feel things that make sense in light of forever.
so, i try less to make myself feel less.
and i rejoice when i feel things that i know are righteous things to feel.
tonight i learnt a lot of things about artifical reproductive technologies that i didn't know before. especially about how many tiny, little six cell babies die all the time because people don't realise and i was glad that i was so sad about it that i almost cried in front of seventy strangers in a lecture theatre.
and, for the first time in a long while, i didn't mind that some of the the seventy strangers probably would have had no idea why i felt like crying when i could have responded in any number of 'more productive' ways.
by God's unnecessary grace, i am, more and more, shamelessly sentient.
it's hard to explain to someone who doesn't, at first mention, understand the discipline that it takes to not allow an internal emotion to manifest itself in an unreasonable or unnecessary physical action just because it feels like the right thing. it's harder to explain to someone that mostly though it requires no discipline at all, because if every feeling i experienced in a single day manifested itself with particular mannerisms or ways of being, i would literally be eighteen different people in twenty-four hours. that's approximately one personality every forty minutes. that just gets tiring. mostly people laugh when i tell them that, but it's true.
there is a natural dischord between my internal emotive mechanisms and the things i say and do, not because i'm pretending to be someone i'm not, but because i'm working really hard, and trusting very much that it's possible, to be someone better than i already am.
i went through a stage of really disliking that i could feel things, mostly because a lot of what i feel doesn't necessarily match up with reality. it would frustrate me that my emotions weren't responses to actual people, places or things. it seemed nonsensical that a lot of the time my mood was being held captive, by, well, nothing at all really. or a hormonal cycle. which is dumb. because maybe they're an explanation for volatility but they are hardly an excuse for being crazy and doing crazy and saying crazy things.
so, at the beginning of this year i made it my priority to start turning my emotions into prayers.
it sounds dumb. i'll take it on the chin if you're smirking.
but it seemed right to turn my frustrations into prayers.
and so far God has been nothing but patient and kind in teaching me things.
when i read proverbs 4:23, it makes complete sense to me now that we'd be told to 'above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.' more than anything, look after that thing that 'beats in your chest' and makes you feel things, because it matters, it affects your whole life.
i've had this verse of scripture quoted to me when maneuvering situations with something-but-nothing boys, almost as a warning to be distrusting, to keep to myself, to not let go of anything or give any of me away. with a focus on the guarding. and that never sat quite right with me because it seemed to miss the point of chapter four and seeking wisdom and looking to someone else for counsel, someone who knows better, rather than closing yourself up and in and trying to do all the protecting on your own. with a focus on what flows from that; everything.
it's counter intuitive to open yourself up to another's words in order to be guarded.
but that's life with yahweh for you.
(one day i'll start expecting counter intuitive things to be the case. i should be better at it by now. the gospel is so full of them, in a wonderful way.)
and i'd rather have my heart in his hands than anyone else's. and i'd rather be shaped by his words more than my own sentiments.
in understanding that notion of guarding-by-giving-away better i've realised how kind it is that God has given us things both external and internal that are out of our hands and out of our control and out of our foolish, proud, weak dominion. things both without and within that we have to ask him about, plead with him about, know that he is in control about. he doesn't just beset the land we live on with fires and floods but rains and fuels flames at the very core of who we are. whether we are set alight with anguish or drenched through with melancholy, our hearts are often fickle and fleeting in their affections and affectations at any level. we are forced to trust him with all that is intrinsic and seems most naturally to be manufactured on our own. we are forced to give him even our inmost parts and i'm so thankful. everyday he's helping me feel things that make sense in light of forever.
so, i try less to make myself feel less.
and i rejoice when i feel things that i know are righteous things to feel.
tonight i learnt a lot of things about artifical reproductive technologies that i didn't know before. especially about how many tiny, little six cell babies die all the time because people don't realise and i was glad that i was so sad about it that i almost cried in front of seventy strangers in a lecture theatre.
and, for the first time in a long while, i didn't mind that some of the the seventy strangers probably would have had no idea why i felt like crying when i could have responded in any number of 'more productive' ways.
by God's unnecessary grace, i am, more and more, shamelessly sentient.
an exercise in egotism
'future you will thank you,' is what my friend, michelle, would say to me in that rare situation where i say no to eating yet another chocolate digestive or finishing off the remaining three quarters of a wheel of cheese. tonight though, this future-self-thanking-my-past-self is actually happening fo realz.
sitting in the comfort of the present, on my très en vogue aubergine lounge, i am sending a big 'thank you', in capital letters, to eighteen-months-ago-me for writing something that is a reminder tonight of lots of things i stopped articulating for a number of reasons. growing up and being busy and being afraid are probably the main culprits.
i found this clearing out my hard drive. i wrote it for a boy (something new and different!) to try and explain my head to him (something new and different!).
yes and no are black and white concepts. you can’t have a half yes or a half no; they’re just maybes.
and 'yes, but wait' and 'no, but wait' are also maybes.
and maybes are unclear and don’t make sense and just create dangerous situations. there are no rules and guidelines for maybe. you’re just in limbo and it’s impossible to navigate.
the logical extension of no for now then, has to be no for always.
you can’t have tentative no.
you can have yes now, and it’s on.
but because it’s not yes now, it has to be no now, and therefore no always.
otherwise it’s messy.
and expectations are made and broken all over the place.
it’s all about timing.
which can suck sometimes.
but God has plans and His timing. so, i’m ok to trust that.
in terms of why it’s no now; my head is in a mess.
there are a lot of things at play.
i haven’t thought practically about the purpose of relationships and practically what they look like.
i know a lot about what they shouldn’t be like.
but that’s super reactive. and not at all constructive.
the one thing in my head that is clear is the need for transparency.
so that’s something practical, but it’s not enough. and i figure at some point i’ll think about it more or someone will make me think about it more; but that point is not right now and that person is not you.
but that’s super reactive. and not at all constructive.
the one thing in my head that is clear is the need for transparency.
so that’s something practical, but it’s not enough. and i figure at some point i’ll think about it more or someone will make me think about it more; but that point is not right now and that person is not you.
and i just don’t want to settle.
i want someone who’s going to fight for me, but i want to want them to fight for me.
i don’t know why someone being an objectively great person with a character and qualities and personality traits that i can objectively observe as godly and growing and generally lovely and fun isn’t enough.
but it’s not. it seems like settling.
i just feel like it should be cataclysmic and unstoppable, like you’ll just know. and maybe that’s just my naïveté and idealism charging ahead. but I guess, while I’m young, i’m ok for that to be the case.
and if that’s immature of me, i’m praying that God will grow my understanding. maybe someone objectively being great is enough, and i just need time to realise.
but i’m not quite convinced yet and it just feels deceitful and like lying to someone to say ‘i recognise you as objectively good and so i will give this a go’. and no one wants that to be said to them. everyone wants someone who wants to give them more than just a go.
i want to give someone more than rational consideration.
i want to want to give them everything and have to stop myself and live in that tension, and in all of that miraculously point them to Jesus.
gosh darn, i could treat this like an english text and analyse it for hours.
i want someone who’s going to fight for me, but i want to want them to fight for me.
i don’t know why someone being an objectively great person with a character and qualities and personality traits that i can objectively observe as godly and growing and generally lovely and fun isn’t enough.
but it’s not. it seems like settling.
i just feel like it should be cataclysmic and unstoppable, like you’ll just know. and maybe that’s just my naïveté and idealism charging ahead. but I guess, while I’m young, i’m ok for that to be the case.
and if that’s immature of me, i’m praying that God will grow my understanding. maybe someone objectively being great is enough, and i just need time to realise.
but i’m not quite convinced yet and it just feels deceitful and like lying to someone to say ‘i recognise you as objectively good and so i will give this a go’. and no one wants that to be said to them. everyone wants someone who wants to give them more than just a go.
i want to give someone more than rational consideration.
i want to want to give them everything and have to stop myself and live in that tension, and in all of that miraculously point them to Jesus.
gosh darn, i could treat this like an english text and analyse it for hours.
ascension to egotism complete: tick.
it's less a note for one particular boy than it is a reflection to anyone of particular attitudes and thoughts. there are lots of things i wrote that i disagree with now. but lots of helpful things i'd forgotten that i'd already worked out.
and truly, in practice, i should probably take heed of a lot more of my own logic.
it's less a note for one particular boy than it is a reflection to anyone of particular attitudes and thoughts. there are lots of things i wrote that i disagree with now. but lots of helpful things i'd forgotten that i'd already worked out.
and truly, in practice, i should probably take heed of a lot more of my own logic.
it's funny to see how much more jaded and less wistful i've become in just a short year and a half.
i am a whole lot more fearless now though.
you win some, you lose some.
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