'future you will thank you,' is what my friend, michelle, would say to me in that rare situation where i say no to eating yet another chocolate digestive or finishing off the remaining three quarters of a wheel of cheese. tonight though, this future-self-thanking-my-past-self is actually happening fo realz.
sitting in the comfort of the present, on my très en vogue aubergine lounge, i am sending a big 'thank you', in capital letters, to eighteen-months-ago-me for writing something that is a reminder tonight of lots of things i stopped articulating for a number of reasons. growing up and being busy and being afraid are probably the main culprits.
i found this clearing out my hard drive. i wrote it for a boy (something new and different!) to try and explain my head to him (something new and different!).
yes and no are black and white concepts. you can’t have a half yes or a half no; they’re just maybes.
and 'yes, but wait' and 'no, but wait' are also maybes.
and maybes are unclear and don’t make sense and just create dangerous situations. there are no rules and guidelines for maybe. you’re just in limbo and it’s impossible to navigate.
the logical extension of no for now then, has to be no for always.
you can’t have tentative no.
you can have yes now, and it’s on.
but because it’s not yes now, it has to be no now, and therefore no always.
otherwise it’s messy.
and expectations are made and broken all over the place.
it’s all about timing.
which can suck sometimes.
but God has plans and His timing. so, i’m ok to trust that.
in terms of why it’s no now; my head is in a mess.
there are a lot of things at play.
i haven’t thought practically about the purpose of relationships and practically what they look like.
i know a lot about what they shouldn’t be like.
but that’s super reactive. and not at all constructive.
the one thing in my head that is clear is the need for transparency.
so that’s something practical, but it’s not enough. and i figure at some point i’ll think about it more or someone will make me think about it more; but that point is not right now and that person is not you.
but that’s super reactive. and not at all constructive.
the one thing in my head that is clear is the need for transparency.
so that’s something practical, but it’s not enough. and i figure at some point i’ll think about it more or someone will make me think about it more; but that point is not right now and that person is not you.
and i just don’t want to settle.
i want someone who’s going to fight for me, but i want to want them to fight for me.
i don’t know why someone being an objectively great person with a character and qualities and personality traits that i can objectively observe as godly and growing and generally lovely and fun isn’t enough.
but it’s not. it seems like settling.
i just feel like it should be cataclysmic and unstoppable, like you’ll just know. and maybe that’s just my naïveté and idealism charging ahead. but I guess, while I’m young, i’m ok for that to be the case.
and if that’s immature of me, i’m praying that God will grow my understanding. maybe someone objectively being great is enough, and i just need time to realise.
but i’m not quite convinced yet and it just feels deceitful and like lying to someone to say ‘i recognise you as objectively good and so i will give this a go’. and no one wants that to be said to them. everyone wants someone who wants to give them more than just a go.
i want to give someone more than rational consideration.
i want to want to give them everything and have to stop myself and live in that tension, and in all of that miraculously point them to Jesus.
gosh darn, i could treat this like an english text and analyse it for hours.
i want someone who’s going to fight for me, but i want to want them to fight for me.
i don’t know why someone being an objectively great person with a character and qualities and personality traits that i can objectively observe as godly and growing and generally lovely and fun isn’t enough.
but it’s not. it seems like settling.
i just feel like it should be cataclysmic and unstoppable, like you’ll just know. and maybe that’s just my naïveté and idealism charging ahead. but I guess, while I’m young, i’m ok for that to be the case.
and if that’s immature of me, i’m praying that God will grow my understanding. maybe someone objectively being great is enough, and i just need time to realise.
but i’m not quite convinced yet and it just feels deceitful and like lying to someone to say ‘i recognise you as objectively good and so i will give this a go’. and no one wants that to be said to them. everyone wants someone who wants to give them more than just a go.
i want to give someone more than rational consideration.
i want to want to give them everything and have to stop myself and live in that tension, and in all of that miraculously point them to Jesus.
gosh darn, i could treat this like an english text and analyse it for hours.
ascension to egotism complete: tick.
it's less a note for one particular boy than it is a reflection to anyone of particular attitudes and thoughts. there are lots of things i wrote that i disagree with now. but lots of helpful things i'd forgotten that i'd already worked out.
and truly, in practice, i should probably take heed of a lot more of my own logic.
it's less a note for one particular boy than it is a reflection to anyone of particular attitudes and thoughts. there are lots of things i wrote that i disagree with now. but lots of helpful things i'd forgotten that i'd already worked out.
and truly, in practice, i should probably take heed of a lot more of my own logic.
it's funny to see how much more jaded and less wistful i've become in just a short year and a half.
i am a whole lot more fearless now though.
you win some, you lose some.
