daily, let me tiptoe patiently to the edge where Your love meets my sin and run my fingers forever along the sweet and sharp crux that shows that i've been blood-bought.
i would like to change,
to be different,
to be better.
not for the sake of worthiness,
but because finally, i've been made able and i can't not.
ten thousand reasons for my heart to find
it's four days into the new year and i'm not sure how i feel.
it's all too much and too many things all at once.
but it all errs on the better side of good.
a friend who had been away for six months who came home two weeks ago asked me after church on sunday what had happened in the past six months.
i said 'not much'.
but thinking on it, a lot had.
and so i wrote a list of obvious things.
i moved out of home and gained a sort of second family.
more than a handful of people i know got married
even more got engaged.
and i was a bridesmaid three times in six months.
my friend's baby turned one.
i spent new year's eve and christmas day at the emergency ward of two different hospitals.
i started a new job and finished it.
i started a new job again.
i began an entirely new degree.
and realised i picked the right one because i actually enjoyed studying for the first time in a long time.
my sister moved to america.
i visited san francisco for ten days.
my friend who is like a sister went away on mission to europe for six months.
i said good bye to sixteen girls i've seen twice a week for the past three years.
i spent hours at a time talking to people i'd never met before.
and i spent weeks not talking to some people i'd known for years.
i learnt better that how you feel doesn't necessarily predicate how you act.
i was fearless.
i let dead dogs lie.
and God answered more of my prayers and worked more powerfully than i could ever have asked, hoped or imagined.
it's not a 'not much' list, really.
and i'm not sure if i'm any more like mary than martha than i used to be (like i wanted to be at the beginning of last year).
but i know i certainly have less of an aversion to change than i did.
and i know that by God's grace that will only be the case more and more.
and sitting there in church on the first day of the year, looking back and peering forward, i'd like to think i said 'not much' because of who the Lord is; robed in majesty, armed with strength, from all eternity
it's all too much and too many things all at once.
but it all errs on the better side of good.
a friend who had been away for six months who came home two weeks ago asked me after church on sunday what had happened in the past six months.
i said 'not much'.
but thinking on it, a lot had.
and so i wrote a list of obvious things.
i moved out of home and gained a sort of second family.
more than a handful of people i know got married
even more got engaged.
and i was a bridesmaid three times in six months.
my friend's baby turned one.
i spent new year's eve and christmas day at the emergency ward of two different hospitals.
i started a new job and finished it.
i started a new job again.
i began an entirely new degree.
and realised i picked the right one because i actually enjoyed studying for the first time in a long time.
my sister moved to america.
i visited san francisco for ten days.
my friend who is like a sister went away on mission to europe for six months.
i said good bye to sixteen girls i've seen twice a week for the past three years.
i spent hours at a time talking to people i'd never met before.
and i spent weeks not talking to some people i'd known for years.
i learnt better that how you feel doesn't necessarily predicate how you act.
i was fearless.
i let dead dogs lie.
and God answered more of my prayers and worked more powerfully than i could ever have asked, hoped or imagined.
it's not a 'not much' list, really.
and i'm not sure if i'm any more like mary than martha than i used to be (like i wanted to be at the beginning of last year).
but i know i certainly have less of an aversion to change than i did.
and i know that by God's grace that will only be the case more and more.
and sitting there in church on the first day of the year, looking back and peering forward, i'd like to think i said 'not much' because of who the Lord is; robed in majesty, armed with strength, from all eternity
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