there's this frustration that kind of sits on my soul.
i use the word soul for want of a better one.
maybe spirit would be better but i'm not sure if that gets complicated theologically.
although soul is probably problematic on that front anyway. the concept of a soul is socratic (maybe, i think?) and i'm not sure of the commensurability of socratic philosophy and biblical reality.
but, this frustration.
it's certainly not a unique one. in fact, i'd be surprised if it weren't universal amongst christians.
regardless, it's very there.
and it's the fruit of a tension between mental ascension and emotional tangibility.
that whole notion that you can understand something perfectly logically in your head but feel something quite to the contrary, in that pit in your stomach. or that cage in your chest. or that lightness in your step.
it's that frustration when fact and feeling don't quite match up.
i watch a lot of grand designs (the original english series because kevin mcloud is the best guy) and in a lot of episodes a similar thing happens. whoever is building the house will have all these master plans about what their dream home will be like. and they will go about putting together the physical framework of their home, and contracting this, that and the other person to carve and smelt and build and mould all the other bits that need to be added. they will be chugging along most happily. their staircase with hand-carved gargoyles will go in, followed by the glass wall in the bathroom that shifts shades from clear to cloudy at the flick of a switch. the custom-made, slate roof is fitted and the reclaimed timber from the boatyard becomes the floor. after a six-week delay, the specially insulated windows from sweden FINALLY arrive. they are slowly lowered into the frame of the house by a crane that costs an arm and a leg an hour to hire because of the special suctions cups necessary to lift the weight of the floor-to-ceiling, solid glass panels. they slot into position, the final piece in the infrastructure of a potential architectural masterpiece. and the home-owner's heart sinks as they realise the windows are 3mm too small along every edge.
what sits on my soul stems from that window that doesn't quite fit. and while dealing with it may not be as simple as ordering some new glass from a nordic country, i know i've been given a new heart. it will certainly take a little longer than six weeks to ship in to that new heart what ought to fit but it's only a matter of time before the powerful spirit of the Lord delivers it.
from first to last
i had this moment on tuesday's late afternoon preparing bible study for
that night. it was in the rush and tiredness of four hours sleep and
friends having a baby and looking after a little girl who had just
become a big sister and praising God that he had brought a new little
boy into the world safely and soundly.
i was delirious and knew i needed (so much) help. and He taught me!
once again, in His gracious consistency, He helped me to learn something about his consistency through time and space and people and places.
we are studying romans chapters one to five, and we were looking at the second half of chapter one. i was a bit afraid and apprehensive about how the study would go. we are spending the next three weeks looking at judgement and wrath and i struggle with the heaviness of those things. i struggle to not just be sad about them and for my response to them to not stem from fear rather than a holistic appreciation of all of the tensions of the gospel.
but in reading and praying through that passage i came to a small realisation which has helped me to appreciate the congruity of the wrath of God with His kindnesses and mercies, not just for the jews but also for the gentiles, from the beginning of time. the nature of general revelation and its consequences in romans one reflect that God’s grace is shown through general revelation as a means to reveal sin in the hearts of the gentiles in a way that is similar to the grace God shows the israelites through the covenant law as a means to reveal sin.
and, i mean, general revelation and the law are obviously different. but it's not like God just ignored the rest of humanity.
i forget that they ignored Him.
it's been easy for me to subtly shift the blame for the sinfulness of humanity's hearts, for the ignorance of my unbelieving friends and family, to God. to make it out like they haven't had any other choice. but they have.
and rather than being frustrated by the limitedness of His general revelation, i should stop being so lazy and realise the unlimitedness of the power of the gospel of Christ to save.
i had forgotten that i carry that unlimited power around with me in my handbag everyday and sleep with it sitting on my bedside table.
i was delirious and knew i needed (so much) help. and He taught me!
once again, in His gracious consistency, He helped me to learn something about his consistency through time and space and people and places.
we are studying romans chapters one to five, and we were looking at the second half of chapter one. i was a bit afraid and apprehensive about how the study would go. we are spending the next three weeks looking at judgement and wrath and i struggle with the heaviness of those things. i struggle to not just be sad about them and for my response to them to not stem from fear rather than a holistic appreciation of all of the tensions of the gospel.
but in reading and praying through that passage i came to a small realisation which has helped me to appreciate the congruity of the wrath of God with His kindnesses and mercies, not just for the jews but also for the gentiles, from the beginning of time. the nature of general revelation and its consequences in romans one reflect that God’s grace is shown through general revelation as a means to reveal sin in the hearts of the gentiles in a way that is similar to the grace God shows the israelites through the covenant law as a means to reveal sin.
and, i mean, general revelation and the law are obviously different. but it's not like God just ignored the rest of humanity.
i forget that they ignored Him.
it's been easy for me to subtly shift the blame for the sinfulness of humanity's hearts, for the ignorance of my unbelieving friends and family, to God. to make it out like they haven't had any other choice. but they have.
and rather than being frustrated by the limitedness of His general revelation, i should stop being so lazy and realise the unlimitedness of the power of the gospel of Christ to save.
i had forgotten that i carry that unlimited power around with me in my handbag everyday and sleep with it sitting on my bedside table.
foolishness
it has only just dawned on me that at the heart of every epistemology over which the grace of God does not reign supreme is sin. i probably should have realised this sooner because it makes sense of why for all my ontological arguments for christian living and jesus as lord, there is resistance to the gospel. it totally makes sense that someone's ontological opposition to christ would not stem from their misunderstanding of the ontological reality of christ but rather from epistemological misgivings over which the Spirit has not yet lit His torch. i think this is the first time my understanding of political science and my understanding of peoples' faith and idols and insecurities and desires has ever really intersected and concluded in something other than complete frustration.
i'm glad it only took five years of university study to get me here. i'm such a quick learner!
but here i am nonetheless and thankful that i understand 1 corinthians 1 better because of my undergraduate degree. perhaps it wasn't a waste after all.
i'm glad it only took five years of university study to get me here. i'm such a quick learner!
but here i am nonetheless and thankful that i understand 1 corinthians 1 better because of my undergraduate degree. perhaps it wasn't a waste after all.
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