there's this frustration that kind of sits on my soul.
i use the word soul for want of a better one.
maybe spirit would be better but i'm not sure if that gets complicated theologically.
although soul is probably problematic on that front anyway. the concept of a soul is socratic (maybe, i think?) and i'm not sure of the commensurability of socratic philosophy and biblical reality.
but, this frustration.
it's certainly not a unique one. in fact, i'd be surprised if it weren't universal amongst christians.
regardless, it's very there.
and it's the fruit of a tension between mental ascension and emotional tangibility.
that whole notion that you can understand something perfectly logically in your head but feel something quite to the contrary, in that pit in your stomach. or that cage in your chest. or that lightness in your step.
it's that frustration when fact and feeling don't quite match up.
i watch a lot of grand designs (the original english series because kevin mcloud is the best guy) and in a lot of episodes a similar thing happens. whoever is building the house will have all these master plans about what their dream home will be like. and they will go about putting together the physical framework of their home, and contracting this, that and the other person to carve and smelt and build and mould all the other bits that need to be added. they will be chugging along most happily. their staircase with hand-carved gargoyles will go in, followed by the glass wall in the bathroom that shifts shades from clear to cloudy at the flick of a switch. the custom-made, slate roof is fitted and the reclaimed timber from the boatyard becomes the floor. after a six-week delay, the specially insulated windows from sweden FINALLY arrive. they are slowly lowered into the frame of the house by a crane that costs an arm and a leg an hour to hire because of the special suctions cups necessary to lift the weight of the floor-to-ceiling, solid glass panels. they slot into position, the final piece in the infrastructure of a potential architectural masterpiece. and the home-owner's heart sinks as they realise the windows are 3mm too small along every edge.
what sits on my soul stems from that window that doesn't quite fit. and while dealing with it may not be as simple as ordering some new glass from a nordic country, i know i've been given a new heart. it will certainly take a little longer than six weeks to ship in to that new heart what ought to fit but it's only a matter of time before the powerful spirit of the Lord delivers it.
