i have been listening to this on repeat.
the time has come, so let us be brave.
good news is the best news
my treasure is with jesus.
and there was nothing more exciting this week than giving two bibles to two girls who want to know jesus better. it was just the best thing handing over God's word to them knowing that he is going to help them love him better and serve him better and give everything to him better and live for him alone, in him alone, better.
and when i see him draw little lambs close to him, i am sweetly reminded that he is just the kindest God.
and i just got to talk to one of the beautiful girls i lead in youth group who is in canada on exchange. and she got so excited about telling me about telling her host sister about jesus.
and that just made me want to cry, joyfully.
and she got even more excited telling me that her host sister is excited about coming to church.
and that she wants to know more about giving her life to jesus.
and then i did cry, joyfully.
i can't imagine what i did before knowing Your goodness.
i could sing Your praises forever.
and one day, i will.
uninterrupted.
please, hurry the day.
and thank you for mercy.
and there was nothing more exciting this week than giving two bibles to two girls who want to know jesus better. it was just the best thing handing over God's word to them knowing that he is going to help them love him better and serve him better and give everything to him better and live for him alone, in him alone, better.
and when i see him draw little lambs close to him, i am sweetly reminded that he is just the kindest God.
and i just got to talk to one of the beautiful girls i lead in youth group who is in canada on exchange. and she got so excited about telling me about telling her host sister about jesus.
and that just made me want to cry, joyfully.
and she got even more excited telling me that her host sister is excited about coming to church.
and that she wants to know more about giving her life to jesus.
and then i did cry, joyfully.
i can't imagine what i did before knowing Your goodness.
i could sing Your praises forever.
and one day, i will.
uninterrupted.
please, hurry the day.
and thank you for mercy.
discipline is not a dirty word
i know i've said that before, but i don't think that i believe that it's true.
and i feel like a rotting piece of fruit on a kitchen counter filling the air with an acrid sweetness, having the form of something pleasing to the body, but lacking any goodness in nourishment, taste or touch.
i need help starting new habits, please.
and i need help breaking bad, old ones too.
fill me, Lord; i'm just tired.
strengthen me, Lord; i don't think i have the capacity.
and help me to remember, Lord,
that in the face of everything, the old covenant, the world or anything in the world, desires and plans, all that shimmers but fades,
jesus is better.
and i feel like a rotting piece of fruit on a kitchen counter filling the air with an acrid sweetness, having the form of something pleasing to the body, but lacking any goodness in nourishment, taste or touch.
i need help starting new habits, please.
and i need help breaking bad, old ones too.
fill me, Lord; i'm just tired.
strengthen me, Lord; i don't think i have the capacity.
and help me to remember, Lord,
that in the face of everything, the old covenant, the world or anything in the world, desires and plans, all that shimmers but fades,
jesus is better.
'and, behold, i am with thee, and will keep thee in all places whither thou goest.'
and jacob's ladder is my ladder and his name is emmanuel, saviour, christ and king, jesus.
and some days i ache and cry because He feels so far away even though i know how near He is.
and because i just want so much for my mum and dad and sister to say ' then shall the LORD be my God' as jacob did.
but i am learning, more and more, to awake from my sleep saying 'surely the LORD is in this place and i knew it not'.
so i sit at the at the corner of laden and lofty, and wait for that tomorrow, soon, when even the highest of expectations will not be disappointed and where even to keep expecting more will not be expecting enough.
everyday, my heart is a feather and bricks establishment.
and some days i ache and cry because He feels so far away even though i know how near He is.
and because i just want so much for my mum and dad and sister to say ' then shall the LORD be my God' as jacob did.
but i am learning, more and more, to awake from my sleep saying 'surely the LORD is in this place and i knew it not'.
so i sit at the at the corner of laden and lofty, and wait for that tomorrow, soon, when even the highest of expectations will not be disappointed and where even to keep expecting more will not be expecting enough.
everyday, my heart is a feather and bricks establishment.
little darling
i spent the weekend sitting under scripture at a conference in katoomba, and have heard preach over the past week three faithful, wise and godly men who love jesus and who have a wealth of knowledge and life experience. praise God for His kindness.
and in all i've heard, i've realised that i so often ignore the kiss of God's word on my heart, and that i am very quick to let slip from my mind any anticipation of jesus' return and eternity that scripture instils in me.
in my life, His word is hardly the stoke for faith's fire that He has gifted it to me to be.
it's spring, finally.
and yesterday as i was hanging out my washing on the clothes line, the sun hit my back and the warmth met my skin. there's something about the coolness of winter that draws out the sweetness of that first spring kiss of sun. and my face couldn't help but overflow with a smile. a lightness pervaded my day, and the anticipation of that hot summer breeze on a balmy summer night has been enough fuel for the fading ember of motivation that is my current approach to university. there's two months left of semester and i'm counting the days. my eye is set on november sixth.
and i figure that my time spent listening to my creator and saviour and king and lord should probably be a lot more like that sun on my back than it is.
there should be joy.
there should be anticipation.
because i am a bad listener, i forget that any goodness now is like those few days of unseasonable warmth between the months of june to august when you can step outside with bare legs and enjoy it even though it's meant to be winter. any goodness now is like the spring that sets my eyes on summer. i should expect sinfulness and brokenness and relish, with thankfulness, the grace that God pours out when my brothers and sisters are more like jesus and when things stay put together. and all those big and small graces that He sets before us should have me counting the days until forever. my eye ought to be set.
how sweet a balm is the word of God to the lips of my chapped heart?
(so sweet, sweet as that first kiss of spring sun.)
and what joy shall fill that same chapped heart when the day of jesus' return dawns?
(the fullness of joy that is in no more night.)
for a while, i had forgotten what my favourite song was.
and i had forgotten why it was my favourite song.
but listening to it this morning makes both those forgetfulnesses seem very foolish, really.
it's been a long, cold, lonely winter.
but i am destined for a Son-kissed eternity.
and in all i've heard, i've realised that i so often ignore the kiss of God's word on my heart, and that i am very quick to let slip from my mind any anticipation of jesus' return and eternity that scripture instils in me.
in my life, His word is hardly the stoke for faith's fire that He has gifted it to me to be.
it's spring, finally.
and yesterday as i was hanging out my washing on the clothes line, the sun hit my back and the warmth met my skin. there's something about the coolness of winter that draws out the sweetness of that first spring kiss of sun. and my face couldn't help but overflow with a smile. a lightness pervaded my day, and the anticipation of that hot summer breeze on a balmy summer night has been enough fuel for the fading ember of motivation that is my current approach to university. there's two months left of semester and i'm counting the days. my eye is set on november sixth.
and i figure that my time spent listening to my creator and saviour and king and lord should probably be a lot more like that sun on my back than it is.
there should be joy.
there should be anticipation.
because i am a bad listener, i forget that any goodness now is like those few days of unseasonable warmth between the months of june to august when you can step outside with bare legs and enjoy it even though it's meant to be winter. any goodness now is like the spring that sets my eyes on summer. i should expect sinfulness and brokenness and relish, with thankfulness, the grace that God pours out when my brothers and sisters are more like jesus and when things stay put together. and all those big and small graces that He sets before us should have me counting the days until forever. my eye ought to be set.
how sweet a balm is the word of God to the lips of my chapped heart?
(so sweet, sweet as that first kiss of spring sun.)
and what joy shall fill that same chapped heart when the day of jesus' return dawns?
(the fullness of joy that is in no more night.)
for a while, i had forgotten what my favourite song was.
and i had forgotten why it was my favourite song.
but listening to it this morning makes both those forgetfulnesses seem very foolish, really.
it's been a long, cold, lonely winter.
but i am destined for a Son-kissed eternity.
time warp
restoring from backup from the twelfth of january is annoying. blergh.
looking at my phone right now, it's like the past six months of my life didn't happen.
looking at my phone right now, it's like the past six months of my life didn't happen.
until the day dawns
please turn my scope
to that rich and vast expanse of sky
that spells out your word.
and with each of my words
and in all of my deeds
for every day that you gift me breath
may i show the world your hands and your feet and your side.
to that rich and vast expanse of sky
that spells out your word.
and with each of my words
and in all of my deeds
for every day that you gift me breath
may i show the world your hands and your feet and your side.
i often feel like everything good seems to get lost in brokenness. my perception is often that there is more grief in the world than joy, and looking around on any given day it wouldn't seem as though i was wrong. but on any given day there seems also to be as much possibility for happiness as there is for suffering. the unmet potential of the former just grates our hearts more acutely than the balm that is the absence of the latter soothes. the former is the desire of our hearts, and so its evasion of our grasp sits as a heavier weight on our chests. sometimes i catch myself reprimanding myself and humanity for ever feeling like happiness and joy are our prerogative. what gives us the right to think we deserve even an iota of goodness?
and quickly and kindly i am always reminded that the question is not what, but who.
and that His name is Yahweh and that He whispers grace and peace in my ear.
and quickly and kindly i am always reminded that the question is not what, but who.
and that His name is Yahweh and that He whispers grace and peace in my ear.
soon, and very soon we are going to see the King
i want to come Home
and i want to come soon.
i want to come now
and i want it to be with You.
my friend, sara, is halfway across the world, in sweden for now.
she told me she was a bit homesick the other day and that made me sad.
i miss her. a lot.
and there are some nights where the one thing i would really like to do would be to sit on her bedroom floor and drink tea with her, living in constant trepidation that i will stain her carpet by spilling my cup, again.
it's hard to know what to say to someone who misses their home. sara and i are knit together because of who jesus is though. and there's something about yearning for a place that is comfortable to you that points us to the dawn that is coming after the darkest part of this night. so i hopefully, helpfully, made her sick for our home of righteousness.
oh, what a wonderful son He is!
(it is fitting that i am giddy for anything by benjamin francis leftwich this week.
i have taken the liberty above to load some words from 'hole in my hand' with sentiment that was probably not intended originally.)
and i want to come soon.
i want to come now
and i want it to be with You.
my friend, sara, is halfway across the world, in sweden for now.
she told me she was a bit homesick the other day and that made me sad.
i miss her. a lot.
and there are some nights where the one thing i would really like to do would be to sit on her bedroom floor and drink tea with her, living in constant trepidation that i will stain her carpet by spilling my cup, again.
it's hard to know what to say to someone who misses their home. sara and i are knit together because of who jesus is though. and there's something about yearning for a place that is comfortable to you that points us to the dawn that is coming after the darkest part of this night. so i hopefully, helpfully, made her sick for our home of righteousness.
oh, what a wonderful son He is!
(it is fitting that i am giddy for anything by benjamin francis leftwich this week.
i have taken the liberty above to load some words from 'hole in my hand' with sentiment that was probably not intended originally.)
i am a mist
we just have the kindest God.
when i am up early in the morning of a late night worrying about my plans for tomorrow and the next day and the next day and the next, He helps me remember words like that passage in james four.
i know that he has plans to prosper me.
and to think that He loves me will put me to sleep.
when i am up early in the morning of a late night worrying about my plans for tomorrow and the next day and the next day and the next, He helps me remember words like that passage in james four.
i know that he has plans to prosper me.
and to think that He loves me will put me to sleep.
thanks big guy
sometimes i wonder if i could go back to being seventeen, whether i would and whether i would make decisions differently. i am pretty jaded for a twenty-one year old. it's hard to look at happy-go-luckies and not think them a little naive. the bible doesn't talk about perseverance and steadfastness for nothing. sometimes i like to think of myself as being realistic. other times i know i am just a little bit bitter. but whether i'm jaded, realistic or embittered i know i'm not joyless.
because joy and happiness are different things. and i have been given everything i need for life and godliness and many great and precious promises. i know that the gospel is true and i rejoice in that.
i don't really think i would make decisions differently if i could go back.
i've learnt a lot about wearing an honest heart on my sleeve more and giving my ache to jesus.
i kind of hope that God is kind enough to give me sixty or seventy more years to be even better at that and love him more and more.
and, really, i don't feel much more than a day older than seventeen.
probably because in the scheme of a lifetime i'm not really.
and even though it's august and it's a month of birthdays and everyone is turning twenty-two and that seems quite old and scary because people are getting married and having children and moving countries and working real jobs, there are so many years to go.
and the future can only be (glory, glory!) exciting.
on a side note, today i wore suede shoes to uni and it rained. and that sucked. and then i tried to dry them on my heater at work and they shrunk. and that made me laugh.
i'm so glad i am learning to trust you, precious jesus, saviour, friend.
because joy and happiness are different things. and i have been given everything i need for life and godliness and many great and precious promises. i know that the gospel is true and i rejoice in that.
i don't really think i would make decisions differently if i could go back.
i've learnt a lot about wearing an honest heart on my sleeve more and giving my ache to jesus.
i kind of hope that God is kind enough to give me sixty or seventy more years to be even better at that and love him more and more.
and, really, i don't feel much more than a day older than seventeen.
probably because in the scheme of a lifetime i'm not really.
and even though it's august and it's a month of birthdays and everyone is turning twenty-two and that seems quite old and scary because people are getting married and having children and moving countries and working real jobs, there are so many years to go.
and the future can only be (glory, glory!) exciting.
on a side note, today i wore suede shoes to uni and it rained. and that sucked. and then i tried to dry them on my heater at work and they shrunk. and that made me laugh.
i'm so glad i am learning to trust you, precious jesus, saviour, friend.
because it was he, because it was i
sometimes you take my breath away, in an unexpected second, with small simplicities; a patchwork of cloud, a heavy heart and a full moon.
the smudgeness
it's funny the things that we train ourselves to do.
the little ins and outs of interaction that we cause to exist so we can cope.
words we would say to one person that we'd never utter in front of another because of a temporal status quo.
you learn a lot about yourself not living in the home you've spent the past twenty one years in.
you learn a lot about people by living with new ones.
i think i understand better now how you can love someone dearly and still not look after them well.
and i'm starting to understand that every good intention can still fall short.
and that sucks.
but i am second.
the little ins and outs of interaction that we cause to exist so we can cope.
words we would say to one person that we'd never utter in front of another because of a temporal status quo.
you learn a lot about yourself not living in the home you've spent the past twenty one years in.
you learn a lot about people by living with new ones.
i think i understand better now how you can love someone dearly and still not look after them well.
and i'm starting to understand that every good intention can still fall short.
and that sucks.
but i am second.
wedding bells
yesterday, one of my best friends married the love of her life.
neither of them could keep from smiling all day. and even when they weren't obviously smiling for a photo or at each other, their eyes were lit with something wonderful.
i guess a combination of love and satisfaction and joy.
we read from psalm 16 at church tonight. the image of God as bridegroom anticipating the coming of his bride church into His glorious presence has never made sense so clearly in my mind.
the notion of His waiting, waiting, waiting and waiting in salvation-bringing patience.
and then, finally, our arrival at His throne, presented to Him, pure and blameless, in Christ Jesus.
i am part of the we that is my Lord and Saviour's joy.
oh, what a blissful day that last day will be!
i hope that if i ever get married, i will be half as happy as my dear friends were yesterday.
and, even if i were to be so lucky, i know that that happiness would not even be an iota of the joy that will fill my heart when Christ comes with shouts of acclamation.
neither of them could keep from smiling all day. and even when they weren't obviously smiling for a photo or at each other, their eyes were lit with something wonderful.
i guess a combination of love and satisfaction and joy.
we read from psalm 16 at church tonight. the image of God as bridegroom anticipating the coming of his bride church into His glorious presence has never made sense so clearly in my mind.
the notion of His waiting, waiting, waiting and waiting in salvation-bringing patience.
and then, finally, our arrival at His throne, presented to Him, pure and blameless, in Christ Jesus.
i am part of the we that is my Lord and Saviour's joy.
oh, what a blissful day that last day will be!
i hope that if i ever get married, i will be half as happy as my dear friends were yesterday.
and, even if i were to be so lucky, i know that that happiness would not even be an iota of the joy that will fill my heart when Christ comes with shouts of acclamation.
pipe dreams?
i have a job that i really enjoy at the moment.
i get to read things that are interesting and diverse.
i get to exercise my logistical bones and organise a series of small monthly events.
i get to talk and engage with people who have been blessed by God with enormous intelligence and passion.
it's crazy that i get paid to wrestle with the bible and theology on a deep and daily basis.
i've wanted to move to canada for a while now.
but often the motives of my heart are unclear, even to myself.
i don't think it's enough to just want to go somewhere. i think you ought to have a good reason to get up and leave or a good reason to not sit tight and stay.
when i was last in canada over eighteen months ago, the state of the church was basically heart-breaking.
it was difficult to hear the whisper of the gospel anywhere, really. especially compared to the states, where, at least nominally, christian discourse remains dominant.
eighteen months ago i decided i would go to canada at some point and in the past eighteen months that plan has changed innumerable times as i've struggled with what it means to lay my plans before God and trust Him as i humbly kneel at the throne of grace.
the volatility and selfishness of my heart means that i forget to rejoice in all circumstances and leaving has become, at times, a means of escape, a band-aid cure all for discontent and insecurity. and so i've become unsure about the way forward with making plans because i find it difficult to trust myself.
and then i remember that i don't really have to trust myself, i have to trust jesus.
and there are days when God is super kind and i read things completely unrelated to thoughts of canada that assure me with momentary clarity that i should go.
today, sitting at my desk, doing some research on the child theology movement, is one of those super kind days.
i get to read things that are interesting and diverse.
i get to exercise my logistical bones and organise a series of small monthly events.
i get to talk and engage with people who have been blessed by God with enormous intelligence and passion.
it's crazy that i get paid to wrestle with the bible and theology on a deep and daily basis.
i've wanted to move to canada for a while now.
but often the motives of my heart are unclear, even to myself.
i don't think it's enough to just want to go somewhere. i think you ought to have a good reason to get up and leave or a good reason to not sit tight and stay.
when i was last in canada over eighteen months ago, the state of the church was basically heart-breaking.
it was difficult to hear the whisper of the gospel anywhere, really. especially compared to the states, where, at least nominally, christian discourse remains dominant.
eighteen months ago i decided i would go to canada at some point and in the past eighteen months that plan has changed innumerable times as i've struggled with what it means to lay my plans before God and trust Him as i humbly kneel at the throne of grace.
the volatility and selfishness of my heart means that i forget to rejoice in all circumstances and leaving has become, at times, a means of escape, a band-aid cure all for discontent and insecurity. and so i've become unsure about the way forward with making plans because i find it difficult to trust myself.
and then i remember that i don't really have to trust myself, i have to trust jesus.
and there are days when God is super kind and i read things completely unrelated to thoughts of canada that assure me with momentary clarity that i should go.
today, sitting at my desk, doing some research on the child theology movement, is one of those super kind days.
'[Canada is] in desperate need of embracing jesus. and we are not simply “pagans” never having heard of Christ but represent a paganism that once embraced the gospel and now wants nothing to do with it, that is much more resistant because of its historical expression.'
combustion is a science of souls
are you done with your matches yet?
we're already on fire
and
i've been fanning the flames
for some time now.
let's wait for ashes,
and wind,
new words,
a light and momentary glance.
then,
spring rain,
freckled cheeks and fingers
with feeling.
(please put them away.
you hardly need them
anymore.)
we're already on fire
and
i've been fanning the flames
for some time now.
let's wait for ashes,
and wind,
new words,
a light and momentary glance.
then,
spring rain,
freckled cheeks and fingers
with feeling.
(please put them away.
you hardly need them
anymore.)
thank you, ben shives
'every stone that makes you stumble
and cuts you when you fall,
every serpent, here, that strikes your heel to curse you when you crawl,
the King of Love one day will crush them all.
and every sad seduction,
and every clever lie,
every word that woos and wounds the pilgrim children of the sky,
the King of Love will break them, by and by.'
and cuts you when you fall,
every serpent, here, that strikes your heel to curse you when you crawl,
the King of Love one day will crush them all.
and every sad seduction,
and every clever lie,
every word that woos and wounds the pilgrim children of the sky,
the King of Love will break them, by and by.'
but.
sometimes i just get sad thinking about people and what a mess we make of each other.
how, without even meaning to, and often just by being, we can cause someone to ache with everyday words, bring someone to tears with a single look across a room, annoy someone with misplaced care.
maybe it's misunderstanding, a meltdown in communication, unmet expectation, impatience.
it's always any one of these and more.
i hate brokenness.
but,
jesus keeps promises.
'behold, i am making everything new!'
how, without even meaning to, and often just by being, we can cause someone to ache with everyday words, bring someone to tears with a single look across a room, annoy someone with misplaced care.
maybe it's misunderstanding, a meltdown in communication, unmet expectation, impatience.
it's always any one of these and more.
i hate brokenness.
but,
jesus keeps promises.
'behold, i am making everything new!'
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